Waiting for the Ultrasound

So, it's been a while. I am now in my 6th week of pregnancy (5 weeks and 4 days to be exact).  My ultrasound is March 4th and I am pretty freaked out about miscarriage, eptopic pregnancy, no heartbeat, etc. etc.

I look up statistics on eptopic pregnancies and miscarriages and first freak myself out and then find some that I like. After I comfort myself, I start to dream of this new life growing inside me. It's amazing!

It's really really exciting, but at the same time, just terrifying! I think it has to do with the nature of IVF - it's so odds based and medical to begin with, so no wonder I am sitting here calculating the odds still. Til I see that heartbeat! Then I'm going shopping!

IK BEN ZWANGER!

So, if you read my last post you know I have leftover digital tests. Yesterday, the digital test read out was "not pregnant" and this morning I decided to try again because I'd already wasted the money on them and I got the digital read out "pregnant" well, not "pregnant" per se because I live in Holland it said "zwanger" but that's good enough for me!!! Yaay! Since I first got the neagative and then the positive I think this is a good sign.

Haven't told my partner yet because he thought I was being silly to test so early, but I am now cautiously optimistic.

Ya Gotta Be Kidding Me ... I HATE DIGITAL PREGNANCY TESTS

So I just found out that apparently I wasted a boatload of money on digital pregnancy tests. I went out on Monday evening and bought 2 packs of 3. Why do they suck? Because you just get the read out of pregnant or not pregnant (or an error message which is what I got on the first one). Hey, that's all well and good right? Then you remove the strip from the digital unit and there are lines...hmmmm this looks familiar. I have what looks like a dark line and a light line. Well that sure looks like a faint positive to me. Two lines is positive right? No. Because you can't read the lines. Makes no sense to me. You put lines on a pregnancy test and they are irrelevant?!?! Apparently so.

And before y'all start saying, "why the hell didn't you read the instructions?" Well I can't. Because it's written in a foreign language. And I only understand that language at the 5th grade level which makes reading pregnancy test details quite difficult. But I found this online. it's good to know, but I wish I knew this a few days ago. Read for yourself here.

I Did It ...

I peed on a stick. Is that how you write peed? Maybe it should be peeed or pee-ed, but then thats a whole lot of 'e's. I could look it up, but I am far too lazy for such things. Anyway, I went after work today to buy some tests for the future and I was so possessed that I  went to the nearest bathroom and whipped out the stick and pee-ed on it like a junkie needing a fix.  I am 6 days post day 3 transfer so thats is 11 days post trigger, and my trigger dose was 6500, not that 10,000 that a lot of women get. Anyway...... I got a big fat .... inconclusive. It was a clearblue digital and it couldn't determine whether I'm preggo or not. Haha, serves me right for trying so early, with very diluted urine. I did have a very very very faint second line which is either leftover HCG or my very own baby making hormone.

So, now I have 5 tests left and plan to test every morning to develop a "trend" until I get a final result. Kind of fun, kind of insane, and that way I won't have any surprises. I am feeling sort of hopeful based on my "symptoms," but also trying to stay realistic that I may very well be feeling things that aren't really there and that I am on progesterone which *might* be responsible for some of the symptoms. I've been pregnant before and I know what HCG does to me --- it gives me something akin to pregnancy narcolepsy. And I attain the ability to smell, not cigarette smoke, but cigarette ashes. Anyway, here's hoping that line gets darker tomorrow!!

Fifteen Pounds? WTF?

So, I weighed myself today and since starting with stims at the beginning of this month, I've gained 15 pounds?!? I haven't gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks in my entire life. Before starting, my weight was steady. I  don't have any of the OHSS symptoms, so it's either water weight gain or my metabolism has gone insane. And I don't mean to complain, but it seems really excessive to me.

I am Peggy Ann McKay

I am now 2dpd3t. I'm officially in 2ww hell. Every twinge must be analyzed. Everything means something. It's pretty funny and I blame the fact that for those of us hoping to conceive through IVF, everything is medical and precise. Most women don't see their potential children until they are 20 weeks WEEKS along. We see our potential future children when they are only 6 or 8 cells big. 

We've been poked and prodded so much by the time that the 2ww arrives, it's no wonder we are certain that we can FEEL the teeny tiny microscopic embryo implanting. Just as we KNOW that the twinge we felt at 1:46 am most certainly means that we are not pregnant. Of course it's nuts (especially at 2dpd3t), but it doesn't stop us from googling every thing our body does or doesn't do. 

Here's one of my favorite childhood poems - Peggy Ann very well could have been in the 2ww. 

Sick  by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

Do Clinics Actually Give Personalized Odds of Success?

I came upon a free fertility success calculator and it made me wonder whether clinics took all your information, did some calculations and gave you a concrete number. "Well Mr. Smith, your sperm looks good, but there's not a whole lot of it. And Mrs. Smith is 33 so when I plug that into the machine [bleep, bleep, bleep] your chance of success is 43.25% over 3 cycles." Does that really happen?

It doesn't happen at my clinic - no one ever spoke of odds. And I'm not to sure I'd want really, really specific numbers like that anyway. But I find it interesting. I got very general messages "Your follicles look good" type stuff. There is also a language barrier as I live in a country where I can't speak the language well enough to converse with doctors about medical things in the local language. So there's always stuff that gets lost in translation.

You'll find the IVF success calculator here.